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Hi I’m Lexi.. I’m 21.
When I was accepted to do this shoot it was by far one of the most terrifying things that I had signed myself up to do… My relationship with my body has never been an easy one. But I was trying to convince myself that this was going to be a good idea and give me some confidence in myself that I have been severely lacking for as long as I can remember.
The relationship I have with my body is one of both love and hate. I love that my body keeps me alive, and that it can do things. It can create life if I choose to bring tiny humans into the world . but that thing that my body and I are working on is the parts that I hate. Even at my smallest, I’ve always been self conscious of my size. I remember being a little girl in first grade and being insecure about my size, that I would have rolls when I sat down (which by the way, is TOTALLY normal, I wish somebody would have told me that when I was younger), and then when I hit the age when i started developing breasts I was young, I’m talking 5th grade, 11 year old Lexi waking up one morning with boobs. It was slightly traumatizing. Since then, I’ve always been the girl with big boobs, and it’s not always fun to be that girl, because of the rest of my proportions, my chest is normally the first thing people notice about me.
I was a dancer until my sophomore year of high school, that’s when I quit (why I quit is a totally different story, that I won’t bore you with here), one of the reasons though, is because my breasts and disproportionate body made it hard for me to do the thing that I loved. And coaches weren’t always sympathetic when costumes didn’t fit me the way they did other girls, I had one coach tell me that I would have to wear multiple layers of sports bras in order to fit a costume, so instead of trying to get something to fit me, I had to try to get me to fit the thing.
My love hate relationship with my boobs had become more apparent when I was out of high school and dating. Most men would see me just for boobs and immediately sexualize my and put me in a box that was only meant for when they were horny or wanted sex, I’m not a bimbo. That didn’t help me with the distaste that I felt towards myself and my body. It brought back the memories of always being told to “cover up” when my family and I would go to the beach or even a family birthday party with a slip and slide when I was 12, I was told to cover up so that people wouldn’t stare at me.
Because I felt so much hate towards my body, it was really easy for me to fall into a depressed state, and eventually deal with anxiety. It was easier for me to stay home and not go out, and even got so bad as to being physically ill and not wanting to leave my bed. I was having such a hard time accepting my body and even my personality the way that it was so I continued to hide at home. I was so afraid that people would judge me for my blonde hair and large chest instead of my brain and thoughts that I hid away.
I would love to love myself, and to be completely honest, its a work in progress. I would love to be able to show younger women that struggle with the same issues that I did, that we can get through it and survive. That everything will be okay, we just need to breathe and work on the hardest thing that we have to do which is accept ourselves the way that we were made. There ‘s no changing the cards that we were dealt when it comes to the genetic lottery. I know now that I am learning how to accept the way that I am, that even though I may not love the way I look does not make me less worthy or less that enough than the women that are super confident. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that someday, somebody would walk into my life and will want to know me for what’s on the inside rather than only paying attention to what is portrayed on the outside. And that, gives the extra boost to accept things the way that they are.
This experience was terrifying, and so eye opening. I know my journey of accepting my body is a work in progress, and will never be perfect, but it’s a step in the right direction.
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